deep down inside...
semalam...
rasa uneasy sangat2. hati x tenteram. rasa nak nanging, nak jerit. easily annoyed. rasa macam nak stay put in my own shell.
nama pon ujung bulan. memang la sangat2 bz. sume orang tensi. sangat2 tensi. gaduh n ber'argue' tu biasa (ngan dept/unit lain).
but
that's not the reason of the uneasiness.
rasa hurt yang amat.
despair..........
afternoon, lunch hour...
when mama really...really... rasa macam nak muntah, nak ngamuk, nak belasah orang, mama received call. siap (mama) bunyik tuh "ni sape call time org bz giler?"
selalu, mama ignore, tp semalam, tangan kanan wat keje mata pandang pc... tangan kiri angkat hp, x tengok sape call tros angkat.
mama terkejut ok. udah la sore tu sriyes... hahaaaa... tros mama cool bile dengar sore tuh. i did listened to him--had my lunch n x obsessed sgt.
thank you my dear hazel eyes... anda memang sentiasa berjaya menceriakan hidup saya.
however...
jauh di lubuk hati... masih rasa x tenteram.
the 1st time mama had this kind of 'uneasiness', 'sorrow' feeling thingy was masa hari arwah wak Long meninggal. mama masa tu dok asrama (ye mama dulu sekolah asrama penuh but i hate to mention it) n mama called sume family. mak sampai pelek ngape mama dok tanya soklan bukan2. arwah mbah pon mama called just to make sure sume orang cihat n ok.
mama regret sangat2........
time balik semalam.... sepanjang dalam train (dalam lrt n komuter) dok pk... NGAPE MAMA ARINI????
mule la mata berair teringat anak2...arwah mbah...'enchek'? hadoi laaaa.... xtahan btol!!! apsal mama boley pk sejauh tu?
cepat2 ingat balik... anak2 lahir? ..... bukan...
anak2 sakit? ..... bukan...
adik2? ..... udah call.
masa Angah amik mama kat stesen, adik hulur makanan. katanya ada kenduri kt umah makNi. tahlil arwah mbah.
SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, that's it!!!
arwah mbah.
1 tahun lalu...
masih teringat ketika mama dok surf, godek2 ebay..... i was supposed to finished my assignment n my dissertation. dua mende bertulis lagi tuh, ok. n it's not 2,500 words ya... x main la words sikit gitu.
suddenly mama rasa cam ada orang dok kat katil mama. takot, ok. tapi mama ni pesen klu takot, lagi mau pegi, lagi mau tengok. sedang mau pusing, tibe2 dengar..
"yong...."
suara mbah.
mama tros pusing. xde sape. mama bukak langsir... it's passed midnite kt leeds masa tuh. konon2 stay up nak wat keje kan.
rasa bersalah... mama teringat mbah. n i thought, ye, mbah nak mama abis blaja, bukan main2 cam ni. camne nak siap keje klu dok tengok ebay n bidding je kan.
n tibe2 juge.... hp bunyik.
it's kakFar. memberi berita yang wat mama nak pitam kali ke-2 (the 1st one was berita pokpok, mama did nanging meraung pasal AJ, tp memang tros down almost pitam bile tau pasal pokpok)
enough of loss...
kerana itu mama cenggini sekarang.
AM NOT WELL sebenor2nya.
i know i have to move on...
selagi mama rasa mbah n anak2 ada ngan mama, selagi tu mama rasa kuat. mama rasa mama x pedulik pape.
memang mama masih kat denial phase. tapi mama tau kubur anak2 kat depan. mbah laks dikuburkan kat mekah.
i just want to keep n hold mbah n anak2 masih ngan mama. or else... i dont think i can stand on my 2 feet nor i can think well and be like me now.
al-Fatihah...
nama pon ujung bulan. memang la sangat2 bz. sume orang tensi. sangat2 tensi. gaduh n ber'argue' tu biasa (ngan dept/unit lain).
but
that's not the reason of the uneasiness.
rasa hurt yang amat.
despair..........
afternoon, lunch hour...
when mama really...really... rasa macam nak muntah, nak ngamuk, nak belasah orang, mama received call. siap (mama) bunyik tuh "ni sape call time org bz giler?"
selalu, mama ignore, tp semalam, tangan kanan wat keje mata pandang pc... tangan kiri angkat hp, x tengok sape call tros angkat.
mama terkejut ok. udah la sore tu sriyes... hahaaaa... tros mama cool bile dengar sore tuh. i did listened to him--had my lunch n x obsessed sgt.
thank you my dear hazel eyes... anda memang sentiasa berjaya menceriakan hidup saya.
however...
jauh di lubuk hati... masih rasa x tenteram.
the 1st time mama had this kind of 'uneasiness', 'sorrow' feeling thingy was masa hari arwah wak Long meninggal. mama masa tu dok asrama (ye mama dulu sekolah asrama penuh but i hate to mention it) n mama called sume family. mak sampai pelek ngape mama dok tanya soklan bukan2. arwah mbah pon mama called just to make sure sume orang cihat n ok.
mama regret sangat2........
time balik semalam.... sepanjang dalam train (dalam lrt n komuter) dok pk... NGAPE MAMA ARINI????
mule la mata berair teringat anak2...arwah mbah...'enchek'? hadoi laaaa.... xtahan btol!!! apsal mama boley pk sejauh tu?
cepat2 ingat balik... anak2 lahir? ..... bukan...
anak2 sakit? ..... bukan...
adik2? ..... udah call.
masa Angah amik mama kat stesen, adik hulur makanan. katanya ada kenduri kt umah makNi. tahlil arwah mbah.
SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, that's it!!!
arwah mbah.
1 tahun lalu...
masih teringat ketika mama dok surf, godek2 ebay..... i was supposed to finished my assignment n my dissertation. dua mende bertulis lagi tuh, ok. n it's not 2,500 words ya... x main la words sikit gitu.
suddenly mama rasa cam ada orang dok kat katil mama. takot, ok. tapi mama ni pesen klu takot, lagi mau pegi, lagi mau tengok. sedang mau pusing, tibe2 dengar..
"yong...."
suara mbah.
mama tros pusing. xde sape. mama bukak langsir... it's passed midnite kt leeds masa tuh. konon2 stay up nak wat keje kan.
rasa bersalah... mama teringat mbah. n i thought, ye, mbah nak mama abis blaja, bukan main2 cam ni. camne nak siap keje klu dok tengok ebay n bidding je kan.
n tibe2 juge.... hp bunyik.
it's kakFar. memberi berita yang wat mama nak pitam kali ke-2 (the 1st one was berita pokpok, mama did nanging meraung pasal AJ, tp memang tros down almost pitam bile tau pasal pokpok)
enough of loss...
kerana itu mama cenggini sekarang.
AM NOT WELL sebenor2nya.
i know i have to move on...
selagi mama rasa mbah n anak2 ada ngan mama, selagi tu mama rasa kuat. mama rasa mama x pedulik pape.
memang mama masih kat denial phase. tapi mama tau kubur anak2 kat depan. mbah laks dikuburkan kat mekah.
i just want to keep n hold mbah n anak2 masih ngan mama. or else... i dont think i can stand on my 2 feet nor i can think well and be like me now.
al-Fatihah...
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